Yesterday,I had a therapy session on Skype with a patient living abroad, and as I toldher Hello through the computer screen, I could see these very special tears,which are due to self destruction. Perhaps because of my job, no matter, I canfeel when it hurts just because of life’s things -death, loss, disease, …- andwhen it hurts with one’s submission. Perhaps more redness, more acidity and nopossible relief when tears Are partly due to self inflicted pain. Thisbeautiful, clever, I shall say, brilliant young woman is in love and unhappy.So incredible and so frequent. She has masochist features in her personalityand wounds in her childhood which lead her to establish relationships withunrespectful and immature guys. She doesn’t know yet that she deserves thebest. I have been working hard on it but it takes a long time before a badloved child can build his life on respect, self respect and make others respecthim/her. Because suffering is better than nothing and make her feel congruentwith what she has been fed with -and up- before. Because brain and heart hateemptiness. And because when there is nothing, when there is space, peace andloneliness, one can be afraid to fall instead of feeling the possibility tofly, to breathe, to grow, and to choose. And if I tell You today about thispatient it is because one more time I am so sorry to see how frequently weconfuse respect and adandonment, independance and indifference, love anddependance.
And shesaid, trying to dry her tears : « He says he loves me, he says we can’t beseparated, and I agree, there is so much love between us » and oh my God Isee her suffering so much.
And so,because she needed to see how much her suffering meant to me, I said, horrified: « But what are You talking about ? Are You talking about love? Is beingjealous an evidence of love ? He loves you trying to possess you, keep youclose without being aware of who you are and even though trying to make youforget who you are and what you want ? My Godness this guy has given you somany evidence of him being what you called yourself a big fucking asshole,please, don’t tell me it’s about love. This is not about love, at all. It’sabout his narcissism, because you’re beautiful and clever, it’s about yourinsecurity and the terrified little girl who believed she would be loved if shesubmitted. I Will love You when You do not exist except as a perfect object,that s what your education gave You. It’s jealousy because he is upset if noguy looks at his girlfriend and he is in danger when one does. And you acceptsuch a deal, such racketereering, « Give me jealousy I will consider it asinterest, give me violence I will consider it as attention. Am I wrong ? Iunderstand how deep it hurts, cause we all need love and if he needs you, youfeel as if you were unique. But I would like you to feel unique because you areand not because you are wasting your Time and soul. But, tell me if I ammistaking, it seems to me as if you were so hungry that you can’t wait for foodand you eat poison. And this is my job to tell you when you are in danger. Andthis is your job to make your choice, for it is your life and no one else’s.But whatever you make, and whoever you love, never, ever ever forget you arethe one who decide when enough is enough, that it is your life, and whodeserves your tears or not. »
I hardlynever allow myself to talk for such a long time, except when my patient needssomebody to feel upset about his / her condition and help his ego to protecthimself. And she needed to be helped in distinguishing that it was not aboutlove, but about his own low self esteem.
I told hersomething like, « it’s just about being dependant, about him avoidingloneliness, looking for one self in one another s eyes, it’s about pride,everything but love ». « But I can’t leave him ». « So youare not free, you are addicted, this in not love. Or you are afraid of himwhich is even worst. » « I can’t leave him, or he is going tocollapse ». « Nobody is going to collapse ». If she had been afriend I would have asked if At least he paid Well for Such entertainment.
Thesession went on and on, we talked about her father, about herself, about theprojections and repeated negative patterns, about her difficulty to connectunconditional love for herself, as she had not experienced it as a child.
Becomingoneself is not collapsing but individuation. But for many of us, it seems likebeing never ending fall in Unknown, for freedom is sometimes cold.
I wouldhave liked – but I did not and students will understand why by rememberingWinnicott’s lectures- tell her that her story was built upon the lie that theycan’t exist without one another. I just said « You have the power tochange your relationship, or to give it up. » « He is gonna turnmad » « As a matter of fact, either he is already, or you re notsupposed to carry him through life to avoid him reality, and whatever, whatabout your own life and health ? Are you supposed to save someone who doesn’twant to be so ? »
Love endswith sacrifice. To love is not to die with but to live with. Die for if youwant, but do not die with. Sacrifice is the very road to hatred and resentment,never to love. When there is love there is no sacrifice. Giving and choosing isnot making you poorer, whoever or whatever you give your energy to : baby, job,lover, strangers, ideas, country. If it does, it’s manipulation andracketeering, again.
And I feltso sad to see her suffering from something which does not exist. She sufferedfor so called love, not love and for a guy she imagined but did not exist. Shesuffered because she made amazing efforts to maintain a positive image of him,instead of relaxing and just see him as he was : immature, and a child, not tojudge him, but to make decisions fitting with reality. There is so muchsuffering one cannot avoid, so why do We need to suffer by ignorance ormistaking?
And Iremembered what I had told myself a few years ago, while swimming with mantarays in the Indian ocean : « But what are you waiting for ? Are youwaiting for having a cancer, are you going to waste your time, your youth, yourbeauty, your energy and your faith, your drive and your passion, your health,your friends, your money perhaps or your career at least not to disappointthose who could let you die and just say « she was sick » ? »
And as Ipassed my door in the evening, thinking about the friend I would see soon,unhappy with her boyfriend, thinking about the colleague I had lunch with,unhappy with his wife, I told myself, one more time : Love begins when many thingshave died and passed away. Love begins when will vanishes.
Love begins when need is over and you canopen the window of desire. Love begins when you don’t need his/her loving youto feel OK but you feel even better with him or her is close enough, and loving,too.
Love ends when sacrifice and other lies based on guilty feelings Come on withtheir unbreathable vapor of blackmail.
« Ilove him/her » : such an assessment needs, not to be an illusion or lie,that I exist, on my own, with consciousness clear enough to welcome who theother is, in his very difference. And it’s not about knowing him very well,it’s first of all about letting him be who is he is, without projecting ourattempts, our needs, our hunger, which is a very difficult exercise for brainhates what is unknown and will put his own mess outside instead of just waitand see. For love is not about knowledge but about instinct, intuition andexperience first. For love is like a child, ignoring rules and strategies andlaws and habits, coming into your room shouting « hello » and jumpingeverywhere without asking permission and make you fall from your bed whereasyou had decided to read your newspaper quietly.
Love isabout peace, noisy and singing peace depending on your personnality and the other’s,but peace and Space deep inside, like a breathe,
Love is aboutjoy, love is about respect and freedom.
Love isabout being able to wish the one we love to be happy with someone else when wehave understand that it was not true love between us or that the journey simplyends At that point.
Forinvolvment is not an habit succeeding to a deal, but a free repeated choice,day after day.
First ofall, love is about sunshine and butterflies running in your belly just by thepower of thinking that he or she does exist, just right here brewing his ownbeer in the kitchen or miles away. Love begins when both are able to walkalone, and feel ok with themselves -more or less and not all the Time for Weare not omnipotent.
We should forbid strictly to ourselves to pronounce such a word, to lie to ourchildren or lovers as long as we have not checked it was love : not projection,not narcissism, not sweeties, not drug, not racket, not satisfaction, not fear.Before we are sure to love and respect ourselves enough not to need the otheraffection to feel ok. Because this leads us to a relation based on power, fear,manipulation and paranoia.
By thattime we can meet someone and feel available for what (s)he is. Before that, ourpartner is just a « partial object », a complement, a sustainment, acrutch, an anxiolytic, an entertainment, a room mate to share taxes and sexwhen winter is cold, whatever. We should prepare ourselves for love, withrespect and consciousness, as we train for maternity or war, instead of repeatinglike insane « I love you » whereas it’s about possessivity, ego,narcissism, addiction, inability to remain alone.
Love isabout wishing somebody – child, lover, friend, sister- being happy far fromYou, whatever it costs you, instead of trying to keep him close if it is hisway to fly away.
Love is astate of mind : i open my eyes and say thank you to be alive. And once I loveLife and world then I can love you. Even if your arms seem to me like a Harborbetween Two fights, You’re neither a drug, nor an habit. I remain an adult,even if I miss you dreadfully sometimes by the power of desire and law ofattraction.
Love isnot about possession. When a flower is beautiful why shall I cut her from whatmakes her alive and beautiful to let her die in a glass ? I d’rather look ather grow. Love is not cannibalism in his adult expression.
Love isnot about power, love is about surrender. With dignity and freely, I surrender,for you make me feel like I have never felt, for I feel like being nothing atall when you look at me, and it makes me laugh.
Love is not about narcissism andglorification of my ego through your eyes.
Love is not about forever, love is abouthere and now.
Love is not about security, love is aboutfreedom.
Love is not about competition, love isabout creation.
Love is not in being compared to but infeeling how to love enhances our own level of consciousness, and being loved,our feeling of gratefulness.
Love is not about promise, love is abouttrust.
Love is not about certitudes, but aboutquestioning and going on.
Love is not about control, but about courage.
Love is not about principles , love isabout humility.
Love is not about giving up, but love isabout letting go.
Love is not about winning or loosing, butlove is about letting ego vanish a little.
Love isnot always around, but love is so powerful that it can always be found deepinside oneself. Love is like happiness. You miss it as long as you look for it.When you discover it’s inside you, and you were a foolish to be afraid not tofind it, as if it were depending on things around, you smile, even in sadness,even in precarious times, you remain OK. I can swear. Having love inside giveYou the Power to avoid madness or death in really tough Times. Survivors fromhell are evidence of it. Because when You have love inside, You are free. Youhave discovered fire, but not stolen it, so Gods are not jealous.
Love is a child. Love needs game, hug,experience and patience, many repeated evidence and a few kisses.
Love is just about smiling deep insidewith gratefulness that the one You like exists somewhere and wish him the best.There is no suffering in true love for connecting one s energies does not relyon time or space. There is no suffering because there is respect.
There is missing, but no lack. There isimpatience, desire, anxiety sometimes, but very deep inside there is the lightof unconditional love. Whatever it s gonna be : love is always love. Respect,benevolence, empathy. And it should be taken care much more. As the very sacredway which leads me to discover the best of me, for me and the world around.